Student Review Article, Uncut!

Hey guys! So some of you BYU students might have heard about the Student Review. It was an independent student paper at BYU from the 90s. A few students decided to start it back up this year to give students an alternative to the Daily Universe. Seeing as I was never much of Daily Universe fan, (as a general rule, I only read it if someone says I’m in it. I know I am very humble) I thought it’d be fun to get involved in this new paper. The editors gave me an assignment and I wrote an article I thought turned out pretty good. The first issue came out on Monday but my article had been edited like crazy. Sad face. I didn’t see the chopped up version till it was already printed. Kind of bummer. I seriously considered reading the Daily Universe that day out of protest haha! Anyways I decided my real article should be read by at least a few people so here you go! I hope yall like it!

PS-If you want to look at the edited one it’s on the student review website page 22 of the current issue. This is the link http://thestudentreview.org/current-issue/

BYU Student Dies Waiting for Campus Parking

Last Friday, student Peter Parker, no relation to the beloved superhero’s secret identity (don’t worry readers--the world is still safe), died waiting for a parking spot. Though the cause of death has yet to be determined, experts have narrowed it down to anxiety, boredom, or really, really having to go to the bathroom. Eyewitnesses (that may or may not have hyperbolic tendencies) say that Parker had been waiting for approximately 49 hours in the student lot. While it took the ambulance 20 minutes to arrive, the parking police were there in approximately 15 seconds to give the student a ticket for dying in a red zone, which sources say he will posthumously be contesting.

When students were asked about the recent tragedy, the general consensus was that this sad occurrence was inevitable and only a matter of time. BYU’s limited parking has plagued students for years. Many students have spent countless hours in lots anticipating a car’s departure and survived to tell the tale. In response to my inquiries about BYU parking, Mikey Moze, a junior from California, said “When I wait in line that long, I want it to be for something good, like a Disneyland ride or a Jamba Juice. Those I’ll wait for. They’re fun. There is nothing fun about parking, unless you’re parking at Disneyland.”

Some students go to extreme measures in order to avoid the parking pandemonium. “I’m a firm believer in conserving energy, particularly my own. I don’t do physical activity, but I still walk to school. Doing so goes against pretty much everything I stand for as an anti-effort advocate, but parking is just too risky,” said Omar Sampson, a junior from California. Iva Fallin, a senior from Kentucky, stated “I’m deathly afraid of stairs. I think they’re evil, but I walk up them so I don’t have to park. I live south of campus. Do you have any idea how many stairs that is? A lot. That’s how many.”

Students hailing from cities like LA and New York City are no strangers to parking problems, but that does little to lessen their frustrations. “Sometimes trying to park makes me think I’m back in NYC. Then I remember I’m in Provo and I am sad,” stated freshmen Jae Zee. Belle Woods, a sophomore, said, “Provo’s not cool enough to have a parking problem. It’s just not.”

It appears the majority of students were deeply concerned about the situation at hand. However, some individuals I spoke with were less than sympathetic towards Parker’s parking plight. “I just hope his engine wasn’t running that whole time,” said Allison Gore, a junior from Washington studying environmental science. Gore believes that limiting parking is a great way to decrease students’ carbon footprint. She stated, “I actually believe BYU has too much parking. Come on people! For the love of polar bears, get a bike!” A member of BYU faculty who will remain anonymous stated “I don’t understand what the students are talking about. BYU doesn’t have a parking problem. I can always find a great space in no time.”

When it comes to campus issues, such as parking, coming to a consensus and finding a solution is no easy task, but it can be done. Some students proposed possible answers to the parking problem. Jake Rolling, a senior from London, said “The key is finding alternative transportation. I for one propose lifting the ban on apparating inside school grounds. Parking problem solved, like magic!” “How about jet packs?”suggested Jenny Neutron, a junior from Ohio. While these students are commended for thinking outside of the box, slightly more feasible solutions to the parking problem are welcomed.

Regardless of your opinions concerning BYU’s parking situation, we hope you will join those of us at the Student Review in giving our condolences to Peter Parker’s friends and family, particularly Mary Jane and Aunt May.

*All events and students presented in this article are fictitious. Any similarities in regard to actual individual’s names are completely coincidental.